Donuts

Saturday, August 22, 2009 ' 5:09 PM Y

Yep..decided to do sth USEFUL while waiting for my scan to be finished..bloody scan going on for 22 mins and only still stuck at 13%. gona wait till i die =.=

anwz..yep realisations..last night for some weird warped reason..i suddenly got quite emo o.o i think its all maybo's fault =.= talk all the stuff bout ryan's low self esteem n his yada yada probs..stupid guy makes me hope that not all guys are lyk that..i noe la not all lyk that..guys lyk brian n other guys i noe..o.o oh well..
ANWZ. i was saying i got quite emo n suddenly realised sth. cuz of that stupid qn that i asked myself : what would a person wif low self esteem do if he was feeling guilty towards a person? Wld he ignore the person or talk to the person to make sure the person doesnt hate him for wad he did n stuff? I came up wif the ans that the low self esteem person wld wanna talk to the person he feel guilty towards. cuz to make sure there's no hard feelings btween them le..since im feeling lousy bout myself le, i wldnt want ppl to not lyk me. as soon as i wrote that i asked myself the same qn. n i went totally shocked that that that was wad I was going to do o.o hence my sudden realisation would be : that i have low self esteem o.o

okays. so low self esteem. i was thinking back n wondering wad ppl thot of me. most ppl wld think im friendly. easy to talk to. always smiling n laughing. when i was younger, my family said that i was super outgoing. u noes? the super cute kind of kid :D the one that doesnt cry when strangers come say hello but instead give u a great big SMILE :D yep thats mua :D hmm so as far back as i can rmbr, i was lyk that too during pri school. even if there was a bit of culture shock, i still did pretty good. i mean DUH must be good since the first person i talked to was a guy n we talked till he ended up telling me bout his crush =.= lyk wth so random..now that i think bout it..i believe my rxn was lyk O.O at his confession..lyk wad? by telling me he has sumone he lyks, he's telling me not to lyk him? roflmao =.=

anwz..then we went sec 1 n 2..i rmbr my first day of school. i was happy n saying hi to ppl everywhere arnd me in class..everyone lyked each other then. after awhile the cliques formed. n i got a best fren. then from 2 of us became 4 of us. then from there it strted widening..till the clique incl nearly half the class. i admit okay. being selfish lil me, i didnt lyk it..lyk duh rite? when ur that age, u wan ur frens to be UR frens u noes? my best fren was sort of lyk the leader la huh..the one that the whole clique lyks and follo arnd..then some of the others didnt lyk me, maybe cuz they were jealous that i still took the position of being her best fren =.= super childish i noe but wth we were 13 man..then ard that tym my class was mainly divided into 3 grps. 1 neutral grp n the 2 largest enemies..n wth i dun even noe wad strted it =.= apparently towards the end it was just a misconception =.= retards..totally didnt lyk my sec 1 n 2 cls =.= anwz. then ppl frm my same clique strted backstabbing me? towards my best fren..complaining n such..the first tym i realised that was when i was in the toilet..then suddenly a grp of ppl came in n i recognised their voices..i think they were talking bout me (didnt really pay attention to the details o.o cuz dude in the toilet man..y'd u wanna eavesdrop? o.o) ya when i came out to wash hands..they went shuddup n stared at me wif the oh shit look. i was lyk huh? y they giving me that look? o.o oh well..washed my hands n left quickly..cuz they were seriously acting weird o.o so i went back to the com lab n sat on the floor cuz no chair..then after the period ended i left the lab..then the whole grp of them were lyk outside looking all worried..i was lyk o.o wad happened? they asked me very cautiously did i go off sumwhere to cry? then i was thinking huh? y wld i cry? ohhh i see they were gossiping bout me o.o oh well totally didnt work cuz i didnt really pay attention..apparently they thot i left hurriedly cuz i heard the bad things they said bout me lol.oh well..i just told them that wadever they said went in one ear n went out the other..so no worries.. arnd that tym the rivalry n jealousy got to me tho..so i didnt feel lyk being part of it anymore..so i decided to leave that clique..

A lil adaptation of my last phone call wif my best fren:
KL: so u really gona leave our clique?
Me: ya i guess..
KL: u...not gona fight for me?
Me: fighting's tiring...so im not..if they wanna be good frens wif u let them..i'll step aside..
KL: sobs sobs..
Me: tears..

ooo yeah..sounds dramatic..o.o that was me 13 yrs old. n hurt for the first tym abt frenship matters. looks stupid huh..lol o.o anwz. shortly after that i joined the neutral clique..then befriended the other clique too..haha..so strange..when i left my clique suddenly i became accepted..o.o then cuz they lyked me they listened to me..so then they gradually strted forgetting y they dun lyk the other clique..dam world works in mysterious ways..anwz..ya my self esteem took a bit of hit there la huh..then that was how i strted being in the "in crowd" o.o tho i still didnt lyk some of the ppl..felt that they werent very good ppl..lyk they were too fake n stuff..dun lyk..

so i was happy in my clique the neutral one..my best fren was my partner..n again she was popular..damit..wth is wif all my best frens being popular =.= then we moved to sec 3 n 4..happily my partner was in the same class :D n dam..one of the main ppl hu hated me in sec 1 became a person in my clique in sec 3 =.= the world seriously..apparently they all got the wrong idea bout me..stupidity..but being NICE. i forgave them..=.= then my sec 3 n 4 clique had 6 members. then suddenly my partner strted drifting off to buddy wif my class chair..lyked her too la..but u noes..still childish me went sad..then questioned myself if i wasnt a good enuff fren? then i got over it n found another good fren..then that fren went closer to another grp..yep i died..lol..died..i think that was the biggest hit la huh..sec 3 n 4.. anwz..the rest of the story too emo..before i strt crying i shall stop =.= (omg sure hope no one but me reads this..)

anwz! i moved on from it..grew up n finally made the conclusion that its not true to be best frens forever. u can be good frens but u'll always have trials. n if u dun take the first step in revealing stuff bout urselves n trusting ppl, ur not gonna have any best frens. n oh ya. best frens only come in ones. not twos not threes. n that single best fren wld come into ur lyf sooner or later thruout ur whoel lyf :D yep..just gotta wait..anwz..for now i think maybo's it lol..so far..i've been most honest wif her..love ya dude <3 :D

Signing off~~~~ susu <3

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